My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
