i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Randomize
