my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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