Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
