I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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