Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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