New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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