Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
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