I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
