ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
