i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize