I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
