i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
