I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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