You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
