I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
