i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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