We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
they're like a gay fantastic four
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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