Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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