when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Randomize
