You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Randomize