mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
