Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
