Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
