god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
