Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize