I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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