Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
