I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
