so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
