We won't sleep together?
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
