I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
