The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
