I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
