The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Randomize
