i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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