Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Randomize