Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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