dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I party with great urgency now.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
