: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
