This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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