dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
