My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
