Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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