I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
