I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
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