I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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