I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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