My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
