I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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