and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You need Xanax blowdarts
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
