Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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