Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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