FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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