I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
