sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
