I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
