I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize