guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
everyone is single if you try hard enough
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
