I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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