Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
