I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
