I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
