I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
