pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
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