She's JV to your varsity
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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