so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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