ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
