Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
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