I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
