dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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