I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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