when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize